January 4, 2008
Phony security crap at the airport - that really, really pisses me off. My time was wasted on a trip to florida by morons at the Buffalo airport. When planning my trip I learned that that airports are still banning liquids from flights, well over a year after the underlying theory behind the alleged threat was openly challenged (see http://www.rawstory.com/news/2006/Sources_August_Terror_Plot_Fiction_Underscoring_0918.html and numerous other blogs on the topic). So the jig's been up for a long time - the liquid explosive stuff is all nonsense.
So I decided on an experiment. I packed two suitcases filled with nothing but liquids. Bottles of all kinds - shampoo, conditioner, contact lens fluid, water - you name it. One was a carry-on, the other was luggage I checked in. I was really curious about what would happen. Would I be arrested? Would there be a video posted on youtube showing my twitching body being repeatedly tasered by nutcase rent-a-cops? Would I be added to the no-fly list?
No. None of the above.
The luggage I checked made it on no problem. Except after the flight, I found that the security folks had cut off the lock on the suitcase, opened it, and then ruptured pretty well every bottle inside, leaving a leaking mess all over the place. They left a little form of some kind saying they'd checked the bag because there were liquids in it. What they really did was vandalize it. Like I gave a fuck. It was a really old suitcase, and I really didn't give a hoot that it had leaked all over the place. When I saw it the baggage area, it still was seeping liquids all over the place - what a mess. Any suitcase it was sitting on top of would have gotten soaked to.
Now the carry on bag got a much better reaction. The little security man just freaked. He was beside himself with rage. He actually put on a pair of rubber gloves, and shoved his hands into the carry on, yanking bottles from it and making angry comments as he did so. The discussion went something like this:
Short little martinet with a god complex: "Don't you people in Canada get the news? Don't you know that you're not supposed to bring liquids onto a flight?"
Me: "I'm sorry sir I had no idea."
SLMWAGC: "Well come on now look at this. It's a whole bottle full of shampoo. Where are you going anyways?"
Me: "Florida."
SLMWAGC: "You can buy shampoo in Florida, you know."
Me: "Sorry I guess I just wasn't thinking."
SLMWAGC: "And you can buy contact lens fluid, too!"
Me: "OK." (I was tempted to tell him I didn't use contact lenses, but I didn't have the balls).
SLMWAGC: "And hair conditioner too. Right. And eye glasses cleaner. And dish washer liquid. I mean for Christ's sake - what were you thinking?"
He kept going through the carry on bag, getting madder and madder, with me just standing there, straight-faced. I was enjoying myself quite a bit, because I hadn't done anything that could actually get me in trouble. I had been struggling not to laugh - that is, until the little man in uniform came across a rather long screwdriver in the carry on. I'd forgotten about it - I had no idea it was in the goddamn bag. He pulled it out and I said to myself, "oh fuck - I was messing with this guy for fun but now I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked now he's found something in a carry on bag that's like serious it could actually be used as a weapon now I'm toast oh god I can forget this trip I'll just be lucky if I'm not jailed for a few weeks oh fuck aghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
But no. The little man in uniform wasn't at all troubled. He just put the tool back in the carry on (!!!!) and kept on whining about the liquids. All the liquids got tossed out, and I was allowed to carry my bag onto the flight and the only thing in it was a fucking screwdriver!!!!.
Jesus Fucking H. Christ. I still can't believe it.